Faux pas to avoid while living in Korea

One of the key values of Korean culture is respect. South Korea is a country that places a great deal of importance on showing respect to elders and superiors at work, which is, in turn, reciprocated with care and respect.

Although international influences have transformed many aspects of Korean culture, respect of others is still of the utmost importance when living alongside Koreans. This ranges from different ways of speaking to dining customs and everyday etiquette.

The term “sillye” literally means that one’s words or actions do not align with accepted customs or manners. Understanding how to avoid sillye is essential for adjusting smoothly to life in Korea.

Seniority is important in most countries, but the "sunbae-hubae" relationship holds a particular significance at the Korean workplace.

Sunbae literally means "the foremost in a group," while hubae means "ones that follow in the group." This concept is applied throughout most stages of life, including school, but becomes more prominent for those working in a group together.

The sunbae is expected to use experience and wisdom to guide those that follow. While this is usually confined to showing new employees the ropes, sometimes it takes on a form akin to a mentorship.

As the name suggests, the position of sunbae is directly related to seniority at that particular field of work, regardless of how old that person is ― despite Korea being a culture that respects one's elders. But a hubae who is far older than the sunbae ― more than 10 years older, for example ― is generally respected for their life experience.

It is not uncommon for the sunbae to insist on paying for the meal when dining together with a group of hubae. This is not to flaunt one's wealth, but a gesture to welcome and take them under his or her wings.

This of course does not mean one should expect the sunbae to pay for every meal, as it would be disrespectful and exploitive of their generosity. The hubae in turn should be open to the sunbae's leadership and guidance as someone with far more experience in the field.

As such, co-worker relations in Korea often take on a relatively more intimate form than in most Western countries. They are more than just colleagues sharing an office, but members of a pseudo-associaton whose relationships often lead to genuine friendships.

The flip side of this equation is that some sunbae will demand respect and modesty from their subordinates, but fail to show the generosity and leadership expected from them. This is called "gabjil," and can occur in a particularly authoritative environment ― ranging from forcing subordinates to work off the clock to even expecting them to carry out personal errands.

But a growing number of local companies have been transitioning from the traditional sunbae-hubae relationships and opting for more horizontal structures, such as where all employees call each other by the neutral title "nim" to show mutual respect. Many younger Korean employees have work relationships strictly based on the business aspect. Both types of relations have their merits and shortcomings, and which is better remains an ongoing conversation.

Foreigners in Korea are not typically expected to abide by the same strict sunbae-hubae relationship as other co-workers, either out of respect from their own cultural backgrounds or out of fear for possible complications.

But understanding the mutual respect between those with and without seniority, and the various expectations for those in the respective positions, could help better understand power dynamics and complex office relations here.

Many foreign teachers in Korea complain that students here, while bright, are passive toward participation in class. Yet, this has more to do with a culture that is cautious toward showing off one's intellect or abilities, and applauds an attitude that yields such opportunities to others.

The closest translation of the phrase "You are too kind" is "gwachanimnida," which literally means "that's an excessive compliment.” The speaker is not complaining about the compliment, but displaying modesty by indicating he or she is not worthy of receiving such kind words. This comment should not be taken at face value, however, as it would likely be uttered in a situation where both parties are well aware that the compliment is in fact, not excessive.

Knowing the answer but taking a step back or seemingly rejecting a compliment while thinking one deserves it may seem to be contradictory. But this is a way Koreans show respect to others ― by being humble and letting others take the credit.

Soccer star Son Heung-min for years has widely been thought to have his status cemented in the annals of Tottenham Hotspur's history, but he was adamant not to be labeled a team legend until he led the club to its first major win in 17 years in May this year. Even as he was garnering fame internationally approaching superstar status in 2018, his father famously cut off an interviewer and said, "I'm sorry, but Heung-min is not a world-class athlete."

This by no means indicated that the senior Son was not proud of his son's accomplishments, but it was meant as a show of modesty in his path toward the ultimate goal of being the best player that he can be. After Son won the scoring title for the English Premiere League, his father in 2022 said his son was “still not world class,” explaining that he wants him to “always be better by 10 percent.”

Koreans are modest people, but they are not without pride and ambition. Showing modesty is a form of respect for others, but sometimes it is also just a way of saying the current success is still not enough.

So while Koreans may demur an "excessive compliment," they rarely actually think it.

Bear in mind that in Korea, as in other countries, there is always unspoken context to what is being said.

When your sunbae offers you a meal, just smile and say thank you and take it as a sign he or she is willing to guide you as someone with more experience in the field. When students do not volunteer answers, offer a suggestion out and they will likely offer a good answer most of the time.

When nobody else picks up the spoon at a meal, it is probably because they are waiting for the oldest person there to pick his or hers up first. When nobody is sitting in an empty seat in a subway or a bus, it could mean there is a senior citizen nearby who needs to sit down more than the others.

Koreans even use a whole set of respectful language, or "jondaemal," when addressing those who are older or in a superior social status.

The easiest form is putting "yo" at the end of everything, but it is far more complicated: There is the formal jondaemal "hapsho" type, and there are different sets of words on many occasions. Asking someone if they ate "bab," or rice, is a common form of asking someone if they ate, but one would have to ask the sunbae if he or she ate "siksa" -- a respectful form of saying meal -- or ask a very old person if they had "jinji."

There are myriad ways to show respect, with jondaemal being just one of them.

A handshake usually occurs among those of equal social status, but it is customary to bow, or bow slightly while shaking hands when welcoming a person of a higher social status. Shaking hands using both hands is another form of showing respect, as is putting the other hand below the elbow or on one's chest while shaking hands.

Of course, most Koreans would not expect a foreigner to perfectly understand every tidbit and nuance of good manners here, and they would respect your culture as well. Hardly any Korean will take issues with a far younger American shaking hands instead of bowing to them, and will more likely try to accommodate the foreigner's customs.

But for a foreign resident or here, or someone looking to make a good impression, trying to learn the local ways is a good way to be welcomed as a part of the group. While Koreans may respect a foreigner not doing things the way they are traditionally done here, they will most likely be more welcoming and accepting toward those who show the effort to at least learn -- and in so doing, show respect for Korean culture, which is reciprocated with appreciation.

It is also important to remember that while the aforementioned manners and customs are common in most places here, they many not apply in all cases. Individual work culture can vary depending on the members, and the “Korean way” can be far less significant in workplaces with numerous colleagues with international academic backgrounds.

The important thing that one should remember is that Korean culture is all about respect, and mutual respect toward one another is an underlying factor beneath many social contracts and unspoken rules of life here.