From 'soft no's to hidden anger: Why Koreans communicate indirectly

A few weeks ago, Kim working for a government agency was reprimanded by his boss after a misunderstanding spiraled out of control. The boss, fresh from being scolded by his own superior, turned to Kim with anger in his eyes and demanded, “Do I have to go through this because of you?”

Kim froze. He knew the situation had been caused by an unforeseen complication, not by any mistake on his part. He wanted to say, “It wasn’t my fault,” but the words wouldn’t come out.

“If I talked back, I thought his voice would get louder. I didn’t want a scene in the office. It would have been even more humiliating,” he said. “So I stayed silent.”

But his silence left a mark.

Before the incident, Kim and his boss occasionally stepped out for a smoke together. Afterward, Kim started pulling away emotionally. When the boss asked him to join him, he lied that he had already gone. His motivation for work also deteriorated. He slowed down his work on purpose and left the office exactly at six, even if tasks were unfinished.

Sensing the shift, the boss approached him several times, asking whether he was upset. Kim responded with the familiar Korean phrase used to shut down confrontation: “I’m fine.”

Psychologists call this behavior passive aggression, indirect expressions of anger, hurt or resentment that allow people to avoid direct confrontation.

“Passive aggression is not unique to Korea,” said Hwang Mi-gu, psychologist and author of How Anger Becomes Energy for Life. “You see it in workplaces in the US and other Western societies as well. But in Korea, it becomes more pronounced not just in organizations but across all human relationships.”

In Korea, anger carries a strong negative image. Even though anger is a natural, survival-related emotion, it is often viewed as something to hide, according to Hwang.

“Anger is believed to damage group harmony, which Koreans deeply emphasize culturally,” Hwang said. “In order for a group to maintain harmony, individual anger must be concealed. Showing anger disrupts relationships, creates conflict and marks you as immature.”

As a result, people often suppress anger until it manifests in two unhealthy ways: hwabyeong (a psychosomatic “anger illness”) or passive-aggressive behavior.

Cultural psychologist Han Min explained that passive aggression flourishes in high-context cultures, societies where meaning is conveyed less through words and more through relationship history, tone, hierarchy, facial expressions and context.

Korea and Japan are classic high-context cultures, he said. “In high-context cultures, direct expression is frowned upon. So people resort to indirect ways of signaling discontent even when they are angry.”

Han said Japan is even more high-context than Korea, citing the so-called “Kyoto style” of communication: If a neighbor is bothered by piano noise, they won’t say, “Your piano is too loud.” Instead, they will hint indirectly: “Is your child preparing for a piano competition these days?”

Korea’s hierarchical culture heavily shapes its indirect speech patterns, according to Shin Ji-young, a professor at Korea University and author of "Language Sensitivity Class."

“There is a common belief that older people are automatically ‘above’ younger ones,” she said. “And younger people are expected to show deference. Here, deference often means avoiding clear, assertive language and speaking indirectly.”

A common example is the phrase “it seems like,” used even for one’s own subjective experience. Koreans even say, “It seems tasty” right after tasting something, instead of simply, “It’s tasty.”

Many Koreans know from experience that direct expression is often not accepted and can even backfire.

“The inability to speak directly sometimes builds frustration,” Shin said. “And that frustration often comes out in passive-aggressive ways.”

“In Korea, silence is the most widespread type of passive aggression,” Hwang said.

Ghosting on KakaoTalk. Disappearing from a partner without explanation. Leaving a resignation letter without a word. All are familiar patterns. Even excluding someone from receiving a reaction emoji in a group chat is a form of passive aggression, she said.

Lee Han-byul, 31, says she often becomes passive-aggressive whenever she is in a relationship. Now, even after dating a man for nearly one year, she finds herself falling into the same pattern.

“He’s very independent and does not expect much from me,” she said. “But I’m the type who wants to share everything with a boyfriend and meet as often as possible. I think that is what a relationship is.”

Recently, her boyfriend had been tied up with work and family matters for two weeks. She wanted to tell him she felt neglected but could not.

“Instead, I replied slowly on purpose or gave short, dry answers,” she said. “I could see him trying to read my mood.”

She knows direct communication would be healthier. “I know I should say, ‘This is why I’m upset, and this is what I need.’ But in the moment, I just can’t.”

Part of her wishes he could simply “read her heart,” a sentiment many Koreans share.

Friendships are not immune either.

Kwon, who asked to be identified only by her surname, shared a moment when she acted passive-aggressively.

She met a friend she had known since college, along with several other acquaintances.

Kwon felt slightly irritated whenever the friend talked about her workplace. Although the friend did not intend it, Kwon felt she was bragging. She did not show her feelings at the time, but when the conversation shifted to relationships and dating, she began to lash out indirectly. She kept telling her friend that she should lower her standards if she wanted to get married — in front of the entire group.

After that gathering, Kwon never heard back from her friend.

“I know I became a little aggressive. But I thought she started it by bragging,” she said.

Passive aggression is not a sign of healthy relationships, psychologists warn.

Hwang said although it is named “passive” aggression, it is still aggression.

“Ultimately, the recipient feels attacked whether the anger is expressed directly or indirectly. No matter how much you swallow your anger, the other person can already sense it," she said. “You waste enormous energy trying to hide it while still feeling it inside.”

In this second season of "A to Z into the Korean Mind," we're turning to questions from our readers to spotlight the themes that most intrigue them about the Korean physche and lifestyle. This installment begins with a question from @arlyn.park on Instagram: "Passive aggressive and never saying what they mean" — Ed.